A friend on Twitter asks “If someone doesn’t understand you, is it their error or your own?” It’s an interesting question, one I couldn’t answer in 140 characters, so I decided to turn it into an article. (Thanks for the inspiration Kate!)
While the immediate reaction to this question would be that it’s the person speaking who is to blame, I don’t think it’s simple. And I’m guessing Kate feels the same otherwise she wouldn’t be asking the question.
In scenario one, there’s a willing listener who wants to understand. You tell them something and they process your 10 to 12 words and constuct a context and frame of reference based on what they know of you and what you’re involved in. They’re doing their best. In this case, if you fail to communicate your message, you need to take responsibility for it and recommunicate. You’ll need to provide the context and frame of reference so they know how they should interpret what you have to say.
In scenario two, there’s a hostile listener. They aren’t interested in understanding anything. Maybe they’re a cowboy who thinks process, leadership and direction gets in the way of the “art” they practice. I don’t think you should take the blame for this failure to communicate. The person to whom you’re speaking isn’t willing to listen. They may even be actively looking for a way to misunderstand. At this point, it’s time to stop just being a leader and start being The Boss.
Scenario three sees you talking to a distracted listener. While they might be a sympathetic person normally, they’re in The Zone. Their brain is full of something else and has very little room left without losing their zen-state (or, if you prefer, they start to swap). They’ll parse your 10 to 12 words down to 2 to 3 and attempt to deflect. So who is to blame here? I think both parties.
As leaders we need to learn to recognise a distracted listener. Once we’ve mastered that we have two options: To interupt or to not interupt.
Option one: non urgent communication. Mild interuption.
Begin your communication with an easily parsed flag: “Got two minutes?”. Yup, we ask a question. One that I’ve been told never to ask: of course the person doesn’t have two minutes. But I think this simple flag waving routine solves a lot of the communication problem if, and only if, the listener knows you’ll honor the answer.
If they say “just a sec” step away. Get out of their line of sight. Don’t peer over their shoulder. Move out of their cubicle or office. Sit at your own desk in a bull-pen. Let them come to you.
If they say “sure”, or they come to you in a reasonable amount of time, you’re clear to communicate. They’re no longer distracted listeners and are now willing listeners.
Option two: urgent communication. Full interuption.
Again, fly your flag first: “John I need your urgent attention for two minutes”. They’ll lose their zen state. They’ll lose productivity (up to half an hour* is now gone forever in order to get back into that state). But if your message is truly urgent, and you fully understand why you’ve interupted them, that’s the call you make.
Now you have their attention, they’re probably not yet a willing listener. They’ll be partially hostile. You just threw a bucket of ice water over them while they were sleeping.
Begin by moving them into willing mode: “I’m sorry I had to interupt you, and I understand it will take you a while to get back into what you were doing, but I need two minutes of your time for an urgent matter.” Most people who are normally willing listeners will understand that this is serious (because you hardly ever do it right?) and you’re good to go.
Number one rule here: Do this rarely. Extremely rarely. Make sure it really is urgent before you pull out this behaviour. If you do it too often you’ll turn a normally-willing listener into a hostile listener.
Option three: Come back later. No interuption.
Simple really. If the person is distracted and the matter isn’t urgent, come back later. Wait out the zen-state.
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Whichever behaviour you choose, it’s worth preempting it with an outline of these three options that are available to you in your weekly one-on-one. Now they’re ready for whichever you chose is most appropriate and will respect what you have to say. They’ll alway do their best to understand. They become a willing listener.
*Note: If you haven’t already, make sure you read Peopleware: Productive Projects and Teams
Kate is the Digital Director at Niche Media and writer with a focus on marketing, strategy, journalism, social media, tech and community. You can read some great stuff at her blog.
